


Shaping Akito

by shutupeccles



Category: Fruits Basket, Fruits Basket - Takaya Natsuki (Manga)
Genre: Alternative Perspective, Angst, F/M, Humour, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-04
Updated: 2012-09-05
Packaged: 2017-11-13 12:46:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/503686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shutupeccles/pseuds/shutupeccles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>House of Sohma contains many secrets. The darkest of these revolve around Akito, young head of the main house and keeper of the Zodiac bond. Shigure swiftly becomes Akito's favourite but maturity sets them against each other in ways Akito doesn't understand. Friendship, trust and loyalty are hard enough to find for this confused child. Being surrounded by cousins doesn't soothe Akito's loneliness since most of them are dull, untrustworthy, or idiots. Shigure's approval and affection, easily gained in childhood, become impossible to earn - yet Akito can't ignore him. Bitterness and confusion haunt Akito's actions until the curse is broken. Courage is needed to ask the question burning brightest in Akito's heart: Can Shigure ever feel love or only pity toward Akito?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. When the Dog Lived Inside

The older boys took special interest in Akito when the heir of the main house was small and Akito enjoyed their company. Ayame the Snake was the noisiest and Akito’s least favourite, Bird Kureno was dull, and Monkey Ritsu’s parents were annoying – which is probably why he began crying and saying sorry all the time. Akito soon learned to avoid those three in favour of the other two. Hatori the Dragon was sensible, sweet and quietly spoken without being shy. Sometimes Akito found him as boring as Kureno. Shigure was Ayame and Hatori mixed together—just quiet and noisy enough to make him Akito’s favourite. The Dog said and did the most wonderful things, sometimes extremely cheeky, sometimes meaningful. Then something suddenly changed and he began to sometimes say and do mean things to Akito. Once he started middle-school Shigure would say flirty things about other boys and girls in front of Akito. Short skirts and long hair, particularly hair fair like Ayame’s, sent Shigure into long-winded raptures. It seemed Shigure and Ayame could not talk without flirting.

“Aya, you’re the most incredibly beautiful girlie-boy in our entire school, if not the whole wide world of Japan!”

“I know! Wonderful isn’t it? And you, Gure, are the fire that keeps my heart beating!”

Hatori muttered that they were fools each time they carried on like that.

Akito sat outside with the older Zodiac because Yuki was too sick to leave his bed. Akito was not allowed to spend much time with the Big Boys and felt lonely without them. Truth be told, lunatic Ayame was more entertaining than sooky Yuki and Akito admired his long, fair hair as much as Shigure did. Akito stood behind him and touched it. “Why is Ayame allowed to have long hair and I’m not? And why does Ritsu sometimes get in trouble for the kimono he chooses? What is the difference really between boys and girls since I can hug either and neither transforms?”

“Show her Aya,” Gure said with a bold grin. Tori hit him over the head. For once Ayame was frozen into silence.

Ritsu pointed and laughed at Gure. “You called Akito ‘her’!” Akito laughed too. The four eldest boys stared in different directions. “What?” Ritsu asked in apologetic panic. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make fun of my elders…”

Hatori interrupted. “It’s okay Ritsu. No-one’s angry at you. Kureno, bring us all some drinks. Take Ritsu with you.”

“You can’t order me about, Hatori.”

“I can. Do as Hatori says,” Akito told Kureno. Ayame’s snigger was the only sound as the three eldest remained with Akito. “Will you tell me now?”

The three friends looked at each other as though drawing straws. Gure stood and offered his hand to Akito. “Walk with me.”

“Shigure, you can’t…” Tori protested as Akito took the hero’s hand.

“Would you rather explain this, Tori? Akito will continue to ask until someone answers.”

“The adults would merely invent nonsense and further confuse the poor child,” Aya insisted dramatically. “Although Gure, how do you plan to explain exactly?”

“Don’t know yet. Come on Akito.”

“He wouldn’t … **show** … Akito the difference. Would he?” Aya quietly asked Tori as Akito followed Shigure.

“I wouldn’t put it past him.”

“Not even **_I_** would do that!”

Shigure ignored his friends and jumped up to peer over the fence before lifting Akito over it. “Have you seen babies without their cloths?” he asked once he’d climbed over after Akito.

“No. New births are presented to me fully dressed. Adults tell me whether each child is male or female.”

Shigure exhaled roughly through his nose and stared at the sky with both hands in his trouser pockets. After thinking for a while he crouched so his eyes were level with Akito’s. “Ah, boys have a, thing, for peeing, which girls don’t.”

Akito laughed at him. “Idiot, women have their own place to pee so their cycles are kept private.”

Shigure rubbed his hands through his hair then over his face as though scrubbing it clean. “At least they told you that much. I’m not prepared to talk about **this** let alone **that**.” He chuckled then looked Akito in the eye. “Perhaps there’s a safe way to show you. Bring me a stick.”

Akito broke a twig from a low tree and followed Shigure to a fallow garden bed. Shigure used the twig to draw two identical stick people in the topsoil. He tapped the one on the left. “Girl,” he said before adding another short line between the legs of the figure on the right. “Boy.” He looked hopefully at Akito’s face. Akito stared with blank incomprehension and Gure swore quietly. He tapped the dirt boy with two fingers. “Gure, Aya, Tori, Kureno, Ritsu, Yuki, Haru and Momiji.” One finger circled the dirt girl heavily. “Kagura, Isuzu and—Akito.”

Akito slapped Shigure hard enough to cause a bright and immediate handprint on his face. “I HATE YOU! How dare you make fun of me! Why would you say such a thing? I should lock you in the Cat’s house!”

Two starkly astonished faces appeared over the fence. “You didn’t!” Tori and Ayame said together.

“Of course not!” Shigure replied.

“Then why?” Ayame asked.

“You told her,” Tori said flatly. “We were made to swear…”

‘Her’

Akito was horrified. “Am I the only one who doesn’t know this? AM I?”

Each boy said no most insistently while Tori and Aya hurried over the fence. Shigure’s arms were already around ‘her’ and then Tori embraced ‘her’ too. Aya did not join the hug but he did try to soothe Akito with words. He wasn’t very good at it.

“Why are people lying to me?” Akito cried. “What am I? Am I worse than stinky Kyo?”

Ayame laughed and snorted as he repeated “stinky Kyo.”

“You’re not a demon, just a girl. You have to pretend you don’t know or we’ll all get into trouble,” Shigure told ‘her’ calmly.

“Especially Shigure,” Tori muttered. His scowl told everyone he thought Shigure deserved to be in trouble. Akito didn’t believe that was fair.

“At least Gure had balls enough to tell me the truth. What does that mean, anyway?”

Aya and Tori gave Gure a threatening look. Gure chuckled awkwardly and put a hand through his hair. “I think we’ll let Tori handle this one.”

________________________________________

Despite the harsh teasing, Shigure would sneak about to see Akito in private or present small gifts that he’d made in school. He read from forbidden stories of romance that high-school girls left forgotten on the bus. Sometimes he let a book fall open on his lap to sigh dramatically and swoon over the story princess, wishing he’d been born a legendary prince instead of the Zodiac Dog. There was always something teasing about the glint in his eye. The contrast between soft Shigure and cruel Shigure split Akito in two yet he remained her favourite.

One afternoon Akito saw him sitting alone in the doctor’s garden, reading in the sunlight as he waited for Hatori’s lesson to end. Her heart knew then what her mind was too immature to understand. Akito preferred to look at Shigure, hear his voice or sit beside him in sunlit silence and rainy darkness. His companionship was prized above any other. Something fell in the room behind her as Hatori put other things away. Akito jumped and Shigure looked up, smiling to see her there, watching. Instinct said she was about to be teased so Akito ran from the doctor’s room to the main house, bumping into Hatori and causing him to knock something else over. Disapproval crossed his face then deepened as he scowled first at Akito then at Shigure. Hatori already behaved more like an adult than his peers and Akito began to panic. She had done something wrong but didn’t know what. Perhaps such mistakes triggered Shigure’s mean streak. Observing him from a distance provided no clues at all. Akito would have to risk Hatori’s wrath and confront Shigure.

He sat at the edge of his parents’ porch, obligatory book open in his lap and dark head bowed reverently over the page. Jeans and button-down shirt showed the shape of his body. He would soon be a man while Akito continued living as a boy. “Shigure,” Akito said his name softly and forgot to mask her girlish voice. He immediately lowered his book and smiled gently at Akito. “Do you like me?” she asked.

Calculated cruelty crossed Shigure’s face as he looked away. “Are you putting this question to other members of the zodiac?” His attitude confused and angered Akito.

“I ask the questions.”

He became all softness after that. His expression, his eyes, the flower he picked for Akito, and his words – “More than anyone could ever admire you. This is the definite truth.” Then he kissed her. Warm and gentle lips almost met her mouth while pressing lightly against her cheek.

Akito wanted to ask why he treated her so horridly but a shrieking demon pulled her away by the shoulders.

“I knew this is where you’d be you foolish brat! And you Dog, treating Akira’s heir like a girl! Kiss Ayame if you’re that way.”

More adults came to see what Akito’s mother was shouting about. Akito was forced to play with Yuki – only with Yuki – and Shigure’s family was made to swap houses with Hatsuharu’s so the Dog would be further away from God. Shigure’s attitude toward Akito became more erratic and harder to predict. He’d break rules to be close to Akito after ignoring her for days or be terribly cruel moments after being incredibly kind. Seeing Shigure became painful for Akito. Not seeing him was always worse.

________________________________________

Time spent with girl children of the zodiac was restricted. Akito found Kagura’s obsession with Kyo distasteful. Kyo’s original demon form still horrified Akito and the Boar’s company was never really missed. Akito hated Isuzu and secretly wanted the Horse dead. Shigure would openly describe Isuzu as an attractive filly and everyone around him agreed. Akito’s dark hair would fall in waves like Isuzu’s if it were allowed to grow.

“Ayame and Ritsu have long hair,” Akito protested during a haircut. Mother slapped her across the mouth.

“Ayame is a fruit and Ritsu is a nut. You are head of the House of Sohma. Besides, Yuki makes for a prettier child than Isuzu or Akito.”

“Is Yuki a girl like me?”

Mother cut Akito’s ear for being stupid. “You have always been a boy because that is what you are.”

Servants kept Akito’s hair trimmed from then. Mother was kept in a separate room and forbidden from touching sharp objects. Akito no longer called that woman Mother, only Ren.

________________________________________

“Are you truly a boy?” Akito asked Yuki in their darkened playroom.

“Yes.”

“Let me see.”

Yuki held his waistband open enough for them both to peer in.

“Oh,” said Akito and hated him more than ever.

For all his prettiness, Yuki was a pitiful thing. He really should have been possessed by the Cat instead of the Rat. But then, Kyo was strong enough to carry his possession. Yuki would probably cry to death. No, the tiny, useless Rat suited Yuki perfectly. Hatsuharu and Akito used to play at inventing insults for Yuki. That came to an end once the two boys became friends. Akito let Haru in to play with Yuki just so she wouldn’t have to. Besides, she still liked Haru. His duality gave her a sense of kinship. Plus he could be as naughty and polite as Shigure without daring to insult Akito. He was close to becoming her favourite, but not close enough.

More than a year after the kiss and Shigure still got in trouble for treating Akito like a girl, although he didn’t do it all the time.

“I can’t help it,” he told Tori and Aya one morning while waiting for Kureno so they could catch the high-school bus. “She’s…” Shigure folded his knees to his chin and looked away from his friends. Akito edged closer to apologise and comfort him. Tori saw and scolded her like the adults.

“You have to keep away from Shigure.”

Shigure snapped his neck around to stare at Akito. There were tears in his dark eyes and he was angry. Akito hadn’t done anything. She could not look at him but did not want to look away. He was so handsome, always, more handsome and wonderful than anyone. Since he tried to be wonderful **to** everyone it must be Akito’s fault that he’d become cruel. She was cruel to Yuki, after all. In her confusion she yelled at the one she considered a hero.

“I can’t tell whether I act like a boy or a girl. I simply act! Why can’t you be horrible all the time so I never want to be near you? Why can’t you be pathetic like Yuki or stinky like Kyo’s original form? WHY CAN’T YOU BE SOMEONE ELSE?” Not knowing what to do next, Akito turned and ran away.

Ayame called after her. “For future reference Akito, girls run away. Boys stand and fight.”

Shigure told Aya to shut up.

“Come on Gure, the poor child didn’t know whether to kiss or slap you.” _bonk_ “Wa-hah-hah!”

“Thank you Tori.”

“Be quiet Shigure. This is your fault.”

________________________________________

To distance herself and become more masculine, Akito began spending more time with Kureno. He was not as dull as Akito first thought but remained far less fascinating – until Akito saw him fly in his Bird form. Akito’s heart raced. What freedom! No wonder his childhood jealousy of his elder cousins had given way to disdain when he could fly like that.

“It is my turn to envy you,” Akito said in open wonder. “What’s it like?”

Kureno became full of life while describing the glories of flight. “The sights are astounding enough, but to see it all and feel the uplift of a warm draft with a human mind – I would wish to make that my natural form if not for hawks on my tail.”

“Kureno’s current form is not unattractive. I speak as a family member, not…”

“I know. You don’t see any of us like that. How could you?” Kureno asked with warm and friendly humour.

“Your friendship feels genuine, as Haru’s used to feel.” As Shigure’s friendship felt before that mysterious change occurred.

“I’m glad. I thought I was the only one to feel lonely in this calendar of cousins. Shigure is the friend I wanted to have most but his pockets are full with Ayame and Hatori. There is no room for anyone else.” Kureno changed into a bird again. This time it was accidental. “Drat. Would you leave my clothes at my house?”

“I’ve seen what makes boys different from girls before.”

As a bird, Kureno could not turn his around with a snap in surprise. The little bird bounced on its feet in a half circle until he could cock his head at Akito, beak agape. The entire enterprise made Akito laugh.

“They didn’t!” Kureno exclaimed in shocked disapproval.

Akito also remembered the conversation from years ago and laughed again. “No, no. Yuki, when we were children. It’s a rather pathetic appendage, isn’t it?”

The tips of Kureno’s wings lowered to cover what would be his man-piece if he were man-shaped and then he flew away. Akito was certain his facial feathers concealed a blush and her laughter flew after him.

________________________________________

The melancholy around Hatsuharu was familiar to Akito. She had him call in at the main house when he arrived home from school. At the cusp of adolescence, the young Ox seemed yoked by misery. Without a word Akito crossed the room and embraced her cousin.

“You fear your Black nature while also admiring it, don’t you,” Akito observed with sympathy.

Haru clung to her and cried like a relieved child. “They make a joke of it without realising. How did you know?” Caught in nightmare’s throes, feeling out of control and alone – Akito understood perfectly.

“You may visit with Yuki, without me, whenever he is at the main house.” Akito would make sure Yuki knew these visits were Haru’s reward, not Yuki’s. The satisfaction gained from manipulating the Rat scared Akito. After so many years she’d become dependent on it. “I’ll never understand why you love him so, Haru, as he seems beneath our notice. And yet, I hope he appreciates you.”

“Is it wrong for me to love Yuki?”

“No.” Akito spoke from her heart rather than echo the words of the adults around her. “Show me what you learned at school today.”

“Nothing much,” Haru said and shrugged his shoulders. “You always ask us about our duties at school but we never ask about yours,” Haru observed. Then he grinned while bumping his shoulder against hers as Ayame would to Shigure. “Hi Akito, how was your day managing Sohma estates?”

Her friendship with Haru could be volatile but unlike Yuki he would laugh, smile and retaliate rather than meekly accept everything Akito threw at him. Yuki had a temper, Akito knew, although only Kyo bore the brunt of it. Kyo treated everyone the same which meant he could be trusted more than Yuki, who tended to be secretive like a true Sohma. Akito hated having to admire the Cursed Cat for that reason but trust was a rarity in Akito’s world.

Momiji should have been born the Monkey in Akito’s opinion since he was more annoying than Ayame and Ritsu combined. Isuzu became more loathsome as her beauty and arrogance increased. Young Hiro was strong and opinionated like Haru but not as humorous. Kisa, the youngest zodiac of all, was… “Sweet, I guess,” Akito told Shigure during one of his impromptu visits. “I’m not all that comfortable around these others.”

“I don’t suppose you are, considering how comfortable you are around Kureno and Hatsuharu lately.” Shigure’s tone hinted at a separate meaning so well hidden that Akito did not pick up on it. However, his displeasure was apparent.

“They’re foolish enough to admire you like so many of our Sohma cousins do.”

“Name one who doesn’t,” Shigure gloated with a grin as he sat back to soak up the sunlight.

“Akito.” It was meant in jest but came out as a vicious snap.

Shigure’s expression darkened accordingly. He lowered his head to glower at the ground before standing and leaving her alone without a word. Akito’s hand began to reach for him but she grabbed it with the other and pinned both to her waist. Something hurt inside, from her chin to the parts she should not have been born with. Instead of sobbing – for surely that’s what a girl would do – Akito went inside and called for Hatori.

“We will speak in private,” Akito told the hovering servants. “It involves a medical matter.” The servants nodded and left them alone. No-one would be allowed entry until Hatori left.

“Is this truly a consultation for your health or do you intend to make my ears bleed with complaints of Shigure?” Hatori asked bluntly.

“Ritsu is born a boy but would rather be a girl, yes? Since I am a girl supposed to be a boy…”

“No. Akito…”

“AND WHY NOT?!” Akito raged at Hatori. “It would solve everything, wouldn’t it? No more injections…”

“On the contrary Akito, you would be taking higher doses of male hormone several times a day. Plus, it wouldn’t work.”

“It, or ‘it’? You’re becoming a doctor Hatori, say penis.”

Hatori covered his face with both hands and murmured to himself before lowering them. Akito was certain she’d heard a chuckle among the profanities. “This is why they should never have let you play with us in the first place. Among Ritsu and Kureno, then later Kagura, Kyo, Yuki, Haru and Isuzu – this wouldn’t have been an issue.”

“Don’t blame Shigure! Do you think me so ignorant that I would never ask someone else? I’ve seen Yuki’s by the way.” Akito smirked at Hatori’s blanched expression. “Although I’d rather look at Haru’s,” she added and then realised what Shigure had implied earlier. Appalling!

It was Hatori’s turn to smirk at Akito’s distress. “I’m glad to see you didn’t mean that. I know this remains hard for you Akito, and certain family members aren’t making it easier, but you’re stronger than you think. Give yourself the credit you deserve. In that respect you take after Ritsu.”

“Aren’t his issues somehow my fault? My feminine spirit had to go somewhere. It makes sense that it would choose Ritsu since we are closest in age.”

Hatori’s sympathy filled the room. “You wish to talk to him about this. I’m truly sorry that you can’t.”

“What purpose does any of this serve if I let one slip through my fingers?”

Hatori took Akito’s chin between forefinger and thumb then kissed her forehead. It was a gesture suited to older brother and younger sister. “You have a maternal heart, easily bruised.”

Akito slapped Hatori’s hand away. “Don’t start treating me like a girl.”

“Start? It wasn’t only Shigure who used to get in trouble for that. Or don’t you remember? No. I don’t suppose you do since the rest of us learned… Did he actually kiss you?”

“No differently than you did just now. From brother to sister,” Akito insisted so she would believe it.

“That’s not how the rumour went. Are we done with this penis-swapping nonsense?” Hatori’s mouth quirked while saying the word. “What was I thinking letting Shigure explain gender differences to you? We’d never have this conversation if I’d taken control of that situation.”

He must have found it entertaining enough to tell Ayame and Shigure judging by their asides during the New Year celebration. Shigure sidled along the table until seated beside Akito. “If you want one that badly feel free to borrow mine. It doesn’t detach of course, so you’ll have to…” _BONK!_ Something hard bounced off his head. Jelly buns showered over Akito. Tori and Aya stared sternly at Gure with crossed arms and gave each other a subtle knuckle-bump before walking away.

“You were saying?” Akito teased while offering Shigure a jelly bun from her lap.

“Ah…never mind. Guess it’s my turn to serve.”

They returned the buns to the serving platter after discarding those that erupted on impact.

“You’ve got, paste,” Shigure said awkwardly then used the side of his middle finger to scrape filling from Akito’s skin. “You should give some thought to wearing high-necked shirts to these functions.” He stared at the spot near Akito’s collarbone that he’d just cleaned then looked into her eyes while sucking the paste from his finger. “Turtle-necks—get some.” Then he carried the reloaded platter away.

Haru immediately sat in the empty seat. He put his feet on the table and crossed his ankles while eating a smashed up bun. “You know, it isn’t wrong for you to love Shigure. I only hope he appreciates you. Play time should probably involve a chaperone though. He isn’t as well behaved as me.”

Akito stood and pushed Haru’s feet off the table. Haru laughed good-naturedly. Akito sat down again. “Cheeky Sempai, teach me to flirt. Then you may play with Yuki until the festival is over.”

Haru grinned and the lesson began.

________________________________________

Horrible, wrenching feeling, worse than cyclic cramps because it occurred in Akito’s soul and not her body—Kureno, Kureno was no longer the Bird. The Zodiac was incomplete. The bond they had all been born into, the reason for Akito’s existence, weakening, disintegrating, it must be fixed.

“Find him! Bring Kureno to me!” The search did not last long. Feeling the severance, he came to Akito. “What happened? Why?” she demanded once her attendants had left.

“I thought you set me free! I came to say thank you but also to ask why. Always, I wanted to be rid of this curse but now—I didn’t expect it to hurt. There’s joy but…”

Akito’s hands reached around to Kureno’s back. “Your wings,” she said with a blend of sympathy, sorrow and panic.

“My wings,” Kureno agreed mournfully.

Somehow, from there, they landed in bed, naked and writhing in a sweat of emotional turmoil made manifest through forbidden contact. They dressed hurriedly.

“Don’t leave me. Whatever mistake I made to cause this will be rectified.”

“No Akito. The curse, the curse is worse. It makes sense to sacrifice one freedom for another.”

Akito gnawed on the cuff of one sleeve. “You have no idea how sheltered you are, not even the eldest. I may be ignorant of the outside but I protect you from the intrigues inside Sohma boundaries.”

“Who protects Akito?” Kureno asked tenderly.

“Shig-” Akito began before remembering he’d stopped being her princely hero years ago. But then, had he ever acted for Akito’s benefit? “Hatori,” Akito said instead. Kureno was not fooled by this substitution. His disbelief made Akito face certain awful facts. “I’m surrounded by lies! I am a lie!” Kureno crushed Akito to his chest and so missed her final murmur. “The bond is a lie.”

“I won’t leave you. The others can’t know what we, or that I… They will turn their backs on me.”

On us, Akito thought. The remaining eleven would seek to break free once they knew it could be done. Twelve if Akito counted the Cat, which she should. Kyo most of all would want to shed the bond. Akito would be alone and that foul woman would be proved right. Akito did not want her father to be wrong. Akira died young due to carrying the core of the Sohma curse. What made him think Akito was strong enough to bear it alone, particularly when this was the only generation in the family’s history to contain every character from the fable? Being born female was merely the first way Akito disappointed Father and destiny. It was all unravelling.

“From now on I am the only family member you speak with alone. Interact with the others as little as possible.”

“I doubt I’ll be missed since none of them sought my particular company in the past.” Kureno’s eyes suddenly filled with hope. “Perhaps that’s why I’ve been freed!”

“If that were true then no Cat Sohma would carry the demon form all their lives. There are plenty of Sohma I’d like to replace but they’re still possessed by the zodiac. Luxury of choice...” Akito mused.

“But if we’re all free then you…” Kureno’s enthusiasm faded under Akito’s blank stare. “You don’t want to be free? No more injections or bindings that stop you breathing just so you appear masculine. Your health will improve and Shigure…”

“The Dog doesn’t belong in this conversation.”

Kureno touched Akito’s hair and tucked the longer strands behind each ear. His eyes were sad. “He believes your virtue belongs to him. Now you’ve given it to me…”

Akito used her wrists to get Kureno’s hands off her. “No doubt that mongrel has collected several virtues from outside girls, but not before he’d taken Ayame’s.”

“Shigure flirts like Ayame but if an outsider flirts back then Shigure follows Hatori’s example, or hides behind him yelping ‘help’.” Kureno smiled over thoughts of Shigure the way Akito smiled when talking to or about Haru. He must have sensed her thoughts because his smile faded. “He’ll never be my friend now.”

“We’ll protect each other,” Akito assured him. “This won’t ruin us or the House of Sohma. I won’t let it.”

________________________________________

They had been lovers for almost two months when Akito learned they’d been discovered, in the cruellest way. Sohma Ren, the woman Akito once called Mother, arranged a private dinner ‘to bridge the ever-increasing gap between Akira’s widow and child’. Akito’s hidden hopes for reconciliation were swiftly dashed. Ren merely orchestrated this opportunity to gloat.

“I too have a Zodiac lover, far more handsome than yours. Proof enough that this ‘bond’ Akira believed in is fake since my lover did not become anything other than a man. True, what we shared could hardly be described as an embrace…”

“TAKE THIS OFFENSIVE CREATURE AWAY,” Akito yelled to the formal attendants as she leapt from the cushions and pointed furiously at the demon in female form. All but the most senior servant obeyed.

“Akito, you must eat,” the grey-haired woman said calmly.

Akito flipped the table with one foot and stormed from the room. The man’s kimono she wore instead of shirt and trousers slid from one shoulder. Akito let it fall rather than pulling it up, stepping out of it en route to her private bath. The bath was fed by a natural spring and only ran empty during a drought. Junior attendants hurried to protect her modesty – ha! Akito knew it was her gender they were hiding. If Ren knew Akito and Kureno’s habit of soothing each other, then others certainly knew.

“Leave me. Bring Kureno.”

“Akito…”

“WHO IS MASTER OF THIS HOUSE?”

The servants bowed and shuffled backward from the room. Akito inhaled then slid beneath the water’s surface to scream. She stood and repeated the action three times before Kureno stood before her. Akito stared, boldly refusing to cover her nakedness. Kureno said nothing and looked away.

“Well?” Akito demanded in a deceptively calm voice and began to lather soap along one arm. “If it is Ayame who has betrayed the Zodiac Bond I do not care.”

The idea of Yuki, Haru or Kyo’s virtue being taken by that woman angered Akito. Part of her purpose was to protect the young ones against such predations. Kureno’s eyes met Akito’s then flicked to the sky, yearning to fly, and revealing everything he intended to hide.

Akito threw the sopping, soapy sponge so it splattered against Kureno’s chest. “Fetch the Dog and its parents immediately!” She left the bath with no grace and roughly towelled dry before putting on a set of clothes Haru had bought after she complimented similar clothing on him. Akito realised that would only make Shigure smirk and decided to throw on the particular kimono he repeatedly threatened to throw away. Let him see his opinion did not matter—yes that was better than trying to make him see what he was missing. Where did such a foolish thought come from?

Shigure and his parents humbly knelt in the main room and respectfully lowered their heads as Akito entered. All three straightened and Akito cuffed Shigure’s head so he remained bowed. “Do not think to raise your mongrel eyes to gaze upon me. Place your face against the ground as befits one as contemptuous as you.” The usually defiant Shigure obeyed. His compliance was worrying. Akito ignored him and addressed his parents. “Your son has entered the forbidden woman’s quarters and committed an atrocious sin. He must now live outside the inner sanctum like the Cursed Cat. Out of respect for my father and your friendship I will allow the Dog to remain on Sohma property. Restoring and maintaining the house in the wilderness built for the previous Cat’s mistress should keep Shigure from further mischief.”

Sohma and his wife expressed gratitude for Akito’s leniency. Shigure said nothing.

Akito immediately confided in Kureno. “There was something smug about his posture that made me want to kick him until I heard bones crack. He made no effort to defend himself, so coldly overjoyed to be leaving my presence. How could I have fallen prey to his phony kindness in the past? Get Yuki. His friend’s brother shall suffer for Shigure’s sins. Then we shall see if that Dog has a heart.”

Menacing Yuki failed to provide the anticipated satisfaction. Bedding Kureno served likewise. The first turned Haru against Akito, possibly forever. The second made Kureno the family pariah. Time proved only one thing could soothe Akito’s wounds.

“Who let that fleabag inside?” she asked Kureno while hiding her pleasure at finding Shigure in her room. As in her youth he simply appeared whenever the mood suited him. His handsome silhouette inflamed and shamed her. The cold way he ignored Kureno irritated her.

“I’m taking Yuki to live with me now the house is fixed.” Shigure did not ask permission. He never had.

“Good, one less useless animal underfoot. Take the Cat as well.”

“I’d offer to take Kureno too but you seem to have found a use for him.” The disapproval in Shigure’s eyes cut Akito to the quick, hypocrite.

“Leader of the main house does not need the approval of inferior houses. Get ‘outside’ where you belong. Leave properly, through the house!” Akito exclaimed irritably and stamped her foot as Shigure leapt off the porch and into her private courtyard.

“Still behaving like a girl,” he teased and continued heading for the wall he climbed so often in the past. That easily he dismissed her!

“I HATE YOU. MORE THAN ANYONE COULD EVER DESPISE YOU. NEVER COME BACK.”

Shigure straddled the wall to taunt Akito further. “Tsk, tsk, such hysterics.”

Akito snatched an ornament from her dresser, the most recent gift he’d given her in fact, and threw it at his head to knock him off his perch.

Kureno applauded politely. “Nice shot, although he’ll believe you if you’re not careful.”

“Shut up Mr No Help. They’re all leaving me. This is your fault for breaking free!”

Kureno patiently endured her tirade. “It was Shigure who told your mother about our sleeping arrangements,” he admitted calmly.

“Only so he could bed the witch,” Akito retorted angrily. It hurt to be used in such a manner and Akito swiftly took ill.


	2. Crumbled Foundations and Tumbling Walls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fracture between Shigure and Akito causes everything to break. Establishing similar bonds of friendship with Haru and Hari but without the complications only creates further problems. Akito is in danger of losing not only those dearest to 'him' but also 'his' soul.

Hatori asked humiliating questions about Akito’s activities with Kureno. “You must be certain to avoid pregnancy.”

“If that was possible surely you would have said something before now.”

“I didn’t know you were sexually active before now.”

Akito snorted against Hatori’s face as he measured her blood pressure. “Shigure knew months ago and once he knows something you and Ayame know it.”

“Actually, Kureno told me this morning. He feels your breasts have grown recently. From your description he feels them often enough to know,” Hatori added drily. Akito ignored that.

“They must seem bigger since I’ve been losing weight.”

“You can’t blame the injections this time. You haven’t been eating properly.” He held up her hands. Two nails of each hand had been chewed rather than trimmed like the others. “Fingernails aren’t classed as food.”

“I want to die. That’s what the rest of you want from me. Let me get on with it.”

“Clinging to another living soul is not the action of someone who wants to die.”

“Have to, then. I have to die.”

“We all have to die.” Hatori finished examining Akito in silence. “Please take better care of yourself.”

“Your assistant, Kana, has a most lovely friend I hear.”

“Mayu and Shigure have been dating for a while now.”

“He does not speak of Mayu as a lover. He has other plans for her.” Plans involving you, Hatori. “What’s your impression?”

“I haven’t really paid attention.”

“You should. Friends will talk. If the friend cannot be trusted…”

“Yes I am dating Kana. Why not simply ask?”

“I already knew.”

Hatori stared at her. “Shigure told you?”

“He worries that you settled for the first pretty girl to flirt with you.” Akito gently touched Hatori’s cheek with the back of one hand. “Despite his faults he remains a loyal friend. Facing my fury to seek advice, all for you, how lucky is Hatori.”

“Why Kureno?” Hatori asked softly.

Akito lowered her hand. “He pleases me. Haru is too young and you are taken,” Akito sang with exaggerated regret.

“What of Shigure?” he asked carefully.

Akito’s gaze hardened. “That was never an option.”

________________________________________

Shigure’s presence in her room startled her. Where was Kureno? Shigure surprised Akito further by greeting her with a smile. “You’re being nice to Yuki.”

“I clearly haven’t been well. Perhaps I should see Hatori before retiring to bed.” Yet Akito found she could not leave.

“Why did you support his choice of high-school? You were against it and then suddenly...” The tilt of Shigure’s head and the fall of his hair distracted Akito, so dark, so handsome. His smile was gone when he looked up, so cold. Akito chose to reply accordingly.

“I came to realise five of you completed your education at a school for boys and only Hatori is sane. The name Sohma is in danger of being associated with fools. Being Ayame’s younger brother already puts Yuki at a disadvantage.”

“It isn’t to separate him from Haru?”

“Yuki could do worse than Haru.”

“You and Haru have become very friendly lately.”

“Haru sees me as kindred and comes to me for advice about his attraction to Yuki. Isuzu’s boobs cause him confusion.”

“Only Isuzu’s?” Shigure looked directly at Akito’s swaddled chest. “Are you pregnant?”

“GET OUT.”

Shigure turned a sad frown to the ceiling. “We used to be friends Akito. I miss that.”

“You miss toying with me since I’ve outgrown your games.”

“I came to congratulate your progress and somehow my compliments became insults. Don’t you miss me at all?”

Always, desperately. “The main house is silent for too long without your nonsense,” Akito conceded. “You should visit more often, as you used to.”

Shigure’s smile returned. “I brought cards,” he sang triumphantly while removing a playing deck from his sleeve. Akito knelt opposite him and they maintained friendly conversation during the first few rounds. Shigure shuffled for another hand, his tone suddenly serious. “You need friends Akito, not merely companions. We were born to love you. It’s a shame that delusion prevents us...”

“I have to be male.”

Shigure tucked the cards into his sleeve. “I have to be leaving.”

He returned to the main house a fortnight later and joined Akito for her walk through the gardens. “Yuki begins high-school tomorrow. His parents won’t attend the entrance ceremony.”

Akito refused to be part of this sigh-filled melodrama. “Let Ayame escort him.”

“They are so distant each feels they do not have a brother. Being a father figure is difficult without a mother figure by my side— _oof_.”

Hatori had discovered them and flicked a branch at Shigure’s back. “Stop causing difficulties for Akito. If **he** chooses to attend Yuki’s entrance ceremony it won’t be with you.”

Akito forced her heart to rest as the two friends faced off. She would like to be ‘outside’ with Shigure. “How can I maintain this charade inside if I don’t practice outside?”

Two astonished faces turned to her. “So you’ll come?” Shigure asked with an awkward hitch to his voice. Akito nodded. The three resumed walking. Their silence seemed alive.

“I’ll drive, tomorrow,” Hatori said suddenly.

“I’ll tell Yuki,” Shigure said. “He can sit up front with you.”

“Or in back with you,” Hatori retorted. “Akito?” they asked together.

“I don’t care so long as he’s not beside me.”

Hatori became smug, Shigure cold. Shigure begged his leave. Yuki and Kyo were going to separate schools and there were bound to be last minute dramas. Akito regretted not insisting Yuki ride in front.

“You aren’t seriously going to attend,” Hatori said once Shigure went. “Can you handle standing idly by while high-school girls and their teachers flirt with him? They flocked to him and Yuki during orientation.”

“Heard from Kana lately?” Akito asked blandly.

“I’m trying to protect you!”

Akito lifted the hair from Hatori’s damaged eye. Haru understood how causing that injury hurt Akito. Did Hari? “I don’t want you to suffer as I do,” she said softly.

Hatori stared mournfully. “Why are you letting Yuki do this?”

Akito smiled the cruel smile she learned from Shigure. “Because he’ll fail.”

Hatori grabbed Akito’s wrist and tilted his head so hair covered the sightless eye again. The whole one glared at her. “This war between you and Shigure…!”

“There is no war. There’s nothing between us.”

“Prove it. Don’t go tomorrow.”

Akito’s absence didn’t prove anything since she had to endure various ditties Shigure composed in praise of high-school girls. Hari apologised for his friend’s idiocy.

“It’s not your fault he’s a pervert. Ayame’s neck could do with a good wringing though.”

Hari didn’t smile. He grasped Akito firmly by the shoulders then drew her into a brotherly hug. “I’m sorry.”

So he knew Akito’s darkest secret. His compassion made her cry.

________________________________________

Haru’s confusion over Yuki and Akito’s over Shigure often led to melancholy silence when she and Hatsuharu were alone together. “Are they coming back for New Year?” Haru asked.

“An invitation has been extended in case obligation seems insufficient.”

“Do you ever go visit them?”

“If they wanted to see me they wouldn’t live so far away.”

Haru hugged Akito as he would Momiji, Hiro or Kisa. Akito tried not to cling to this gesture of affection.

________________________________________

As usual, Shigure did not follow protocol when seeking a favour from Akito. His independence was as endearing as it was infuriating. This stranded orphan girl he’d come to discuss, Tohru Honda, did Shigure truly believe she held some hope for the Sohma family or did he merely hope to sleep with her? Akito agreed to let the child stay on two conditions. Keeping the Zodiac secret was paramount.

“Kyo will attend the same school as Yuki and your Miss Honda.” Akito kept her voice level to help maintain the masculine affectation. Her elders promised it would get easier over time, another lie.

“Tohru is not my Miss Honda.”

“Stop taking me for a fool Shigure. You know Hatori will suffer most if I feel this child is a threat. It isn’t fair of us to take him for granted.”

“Does Kureno know you have a new favourite?”

“Hari will always be favoured since he is the only Sohma with common sense.”

“And you accuse me of being heartless.”

“Perhaps your Miss Honda can prove us both wrong.”

“All she’s proven so far is my disturbing weakness for lost and lonely little girls.”

“We should have sent Isuzu to your house instead of Kagura’s. Then poor Haru would have no-one to lust after.”

“Akito…”

“I’m not one of your lonely little girls, Shigure.”

“Not anymore perhaps, but you were the first,” he said with abundant sadness.

His sorrow caused Akito more pain than Kureno’s unexpected release from the Zodiac. She ignored the impulse to comfort Shigure and instead soothed her ills with Kureno. He never complained about being a substitute. This made Akito cry when she was alone since she found it impossible to let go of either man. Akito would have to try harder to be a man herself.

________________________________________

The high-school’s cultural festival provided an excuse to try behaving like a man outside the confines of Sohma House. Hari popped his head in during breakfast and frowned at Akito’s chest. “These hormone supplements aren’t working. You can’t leave the main house looking like that.”

“Shigure’s not going,” Akito pointed out.

“Neither are they,” Hari pointed at her uncomfortably swaddled breasts. “We can perform the Hatsuharu booby-sensor test if you think I’m exaggerating.”

“Fine, I’m confined to my room until doctor approves. Use Yuki’s asthma as an excuse for being at the school. Bring me a photograph of this alleged civility between Rat and Cat. Take Momiji since he’s here, unless you want rabbit for dinner.”

“Kyo might form him into rice balls for you.”

Akito sighed blissfully. “I’ll tear down the Cat’s house if he does.” Hatori was staring. “Problem Hatori? Master has spoken.” Akito shooed him away. Her mood did not improve during the day. Why were her feminine body parts so determined to be noticed? Perhaps abstinence was in order. How could she control Kureno without their sexual bond?

Hatori brought details of the school cultural day and the requested photograph that afternoon. “Momiji was a pain in the arse. I’ve had less trouble with Aya,” Hari groaned as he sank to the floor.

Akito took pity on the exhausted Dragon and let him sprawl across her carpet to rest. No-one would disturb him here. The picture of Yuki in that girl’s costume would be amusing if Akito didn’t envy him. Why could he and Ritsu, definitely male, look like girls while Akito could not? True, Yuki didn’t have boobs—wouldn’t Haru be in heaven if he did! Akito wished Shigure was here to laugh about that instead of poor, tired Hatori.

“Why does he hate me?” Akito softly asked the photo of Yuki and Kyo.

“I should think that was obvious,” Hatori replied sleepily. Akito glared at him. He closed his eyes again. “Ah, you didn’t mean Yuki. Shigure doesn’t hate you, Akito.”

“He certainly doesn’t like me,” Akito said petulantly as she handed Hatori the photo and left the room.

________________________________________

Shigure approached Akito alone to explain that Yuki and Kyo were deliberately playing truant from the traditional Sohma New Year celebration.

“You must go back to be sure they behave appropriately with your precious Tohru,” Akito said flatly.

“I’d rather be here.” He began to put his hand on Akito’s shoulder.

“Don’t touch me,” Akito commanded while swatting Shigure away. Haru came in and immediately stood between them.

“Go bother Aya before I go Black,” Haru threatened while slinging an arm across Akito’s shoulders. There was something alluringly naughty about Haru. This closeness would bother Akito if he wasn’t showing off. “Akito’s still a novice when it comes to flirting.” He smiled and began sharing some of Akito’s weakest attempts to flirt back with him, like Shigure did with Ayame. Akito had to walk away because Shigure’s increasing glee was on Akito’s behalf as well as at her expense, and his amusement made him positively gorgeous

As Shigure’s House was second in authority to Akito’s it was traditional for him to sit beside her while those Sohma born of the zodiacs for the outgoing and incoming year performed their dance. Haru gloated that his friend was more entertaining than Shigure’s since Hatori danced with precision and Momiji with enthusiasm.

“Are you old enough to remember the year Kureno flew into a window and broke his wing?” Akito asked Haru. “Ayame took his place in the dance with Shigure. No other pair can compare! The feathers in Aya’s hair were enough to make the performance priceless. Several of us made a New Year wish to rearrange the zodiac so Dog and Snake followed each other every year.”

Shigure basked in Akito’s praise. “If only these traditions required Akito to dance,” he said directly into her eyes. His gaze reminded Akito of the day he picked a flower for her and kissed her cheek. Akito wanted him to do it again, now. He leaned closer while whispering so quietly Akito had to lean closer to hear. Before his breath caressed her cheek, Ayame interrupted with a noisy demand for Shigure’s assistance.

“Gure, stop ignoring me! Help me force Tori back into his costume!”

Dark eyes closed briefly then rolled with regret as Shigure went to Hatori’s aid. Akito was left alone with dangerous thoughts and the smirking Ox. Haru made smooch sounds and kissy gestures until he became bored. Then he became tetchy and started picking apart the table decorations. Normally he’d have picked a fight with Kyo before the Zodiac banquet and then enjoyed the festivities whether he won or lost.

“You miss Kyo as much as Yuki,” Akito observed.

Haru frowned and shrugged. “I guess, not in the same way though.” He drooped wearily against Akito’s shoulder. “Hold me,” he whined dramatically.

“And get a Horse-kick in the face? Isuzu’s watching.”

“She’s hot for me. Not Kagura-psycho-for-Kyo hot, fortunately. I like her too but she’s like my Kureno, you know?”

“You’re bedding her?” Akito demanded angrily.

“Why, jealous?” he teased then shook his head. “Never would’ve believed you’re seriously fucking K...”

Akito’s hand made a cracking sound against Haru’s face. Others turned to look. “Never speak to me with such disrespect again!”

“Or what, you’ll make me live with Cat, Rat and Dog? It’s better than being stuck here!” Haru’s vehemence ran Akito through. Her reply was equally fervent though much quieter and stopped him going Black.

“You, of all those younger than me, are most like a brother. Don’t make me regret trusting you.”

Haru stared in surprise. “I only said that about living outside because Shigure’s house is probably like a comedy festival. If Hatori was in charge it’d suck. Brotherly hug to prove we’re good?” he asked with arms extended hopefully.

Soon after, Shigure managed to escape Aya’s dramas and asked Akito if they could watch the sun rise together. It would cause suspicion if they were to organise a chaperone so they simply left the banquet. They walked and then sat in silence. It was nice.

“What do you wish for the New Year, Akito?” Shigure asked as the sky began to blush.

“To bring honour to my Father by fulfilling my duty,” Akito replied automatically. Her true wish was impossible and humiliating. _I wish for you to be by my side instead of Kureno_.

“You wish to continue pretending you’re a guy and then die?”

 _You say things as hurtful as Ren. Go watch the sun rise with her, hateful Dog._ “What is your wish?”

“To be released from the bond.”

Akito almost choked on despair and stood as though her bottom caught fire. “The sun has risen. Go home to your unwanted children.” She did not hesitate and did not turn back. Once locked safely in her room, Akito tried beating the breasts from her chest. These female things were the crux of her troubles. That’s why he teased Akito and treated ‘him’ like a girl. It’s why Akito envied everybody, male or female, even Ritsu, even Kyo. “LIVING AWAY FROM ME ISN’T ENOUGH! YOU SEEK TO BE RID OF ME COMPLETELY!”

The attendants called for Hatori but Akito refused to let anyone in. Sleep followed copious tears.

________________________________________

Year of the Dragon became Akito’s year of torment. The stronger medication made her violent and ill. Foolish little Hiro felt the need to confess his ‘love’ for Kisa. What did those children know of love? Obviously nothing if they saw it as pleasurable privilege instead of pain. Hitting the young Tiger across the room taught them the truth and ensured everyone kept out of Akito’s way. All except Kureno, who refused to leave her side. He held Akito through screaming rages and torrents of tears. They were held together by being equally pathetic.

Letting that high-school slut live in the Dog’s house was proving a large mistake. Now everyone ran to her instead of Akito. Akito sneered while removing the breast swaddling for bed. Let them run, as fast and as far as they could go. Akito would live forever to spite and torment them.

“You’re gaining weight,” Hatori said with surprise.

“Mention pregnancy at your own risk.”

“No, no. This is good, healthy muscle mass in your limbs.” Hatori smiled.

“I feel like a Sumo.”

“Should we skip this injection?” Hatori asked after some thought.

“No. Haru starts high-school this week. I’m attending the entrance ceremony.”

Hatori looked at Akito and thought some more. He prepared the syringe in silence.

* * *

“Whose clothes are you wearing?” Shigure asked when he saw Akito at the school. “They fit very well.”

“I’m here to see Haru and Yuki, not you.”

“I saved you a seat!” Shigure called after her. Akito sat beside him. Despite her better judgement she couldn’t resist. “You don’t smile anymore,” he said sadly as the ceremony ended.

“What’s to smile about? That Rabbit’s going to ruin everything.” Akito ignored Shigure’s pivot of surprise and added “unless Kyo can knock some sense into its soufflé head. I’m going for a walk.” Shigure stayed close while Akito greeted Haru and insulted Momiji before she managed to slip away. Groups of idiotic girls whisperered ‘he looks so much like Prince Yuki’ and ‘he’s so handsome I’m in love’ about Akito as she walked passed. No wonder Akito’s parents chose to raise her as a boy since girls were so foolish.

Was this Tohru Honda wandering alone and straying into Akito’s path? Akito had been wasting hate and envy on this non-threatening child? Her mind was a soufflé like Momiji and she apologised like Ritsu. How did the others tolerate her? Yet Tohru seemed polite and virtuous, not at all the vixen Akito imagined. Akito became curious. Did Shigure intend for this outsider to be Akito’s friend as well? What right had he to choose her companions?

“What did you think of our Miss Honda?” Shigure asked during the drive from school, expecting the usual compliments for his foundling.

“Tohru may be the plainest girl I’ve laid eyes on, the dimmest too. She poses no threat.”

Shigure seemed disappointed more than angry, although he was certainly angry.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Akito drawled cruelly. “Did you seek permission to marry her?”

“Is it possible that you cannot like anybody?”

Akito signalled the driver to stop. “The Dog will walk from here.” Shigure did not protest or wait for the car to come to a complete stop before getting out. It was the day Akito cast him from the main house all over again. This time Akito kept her feelings to herself.

________________________________________

Hatori and Kureno worried because Akito did not talk much. “I don't care much,” she replied drily.

“You care too much for the wrong ones,” Kureno murmured. Akito hit him. Hatori did nothing but hang his head, the sensible coward.

“I hate you all.” Akito’s voice ran deep and acidic.

________________________________________

Interactions with Shigure followed the same confusing pattern as he went out of his way to either ignore Akito or get her alone, speak cruelly or tenderly, making her hate and cherish him. Did he treat everyone like this and his behaviour only tormented Akito because she craved his approval? His voice, his eyes, touch and time, all should be hers.

Akito ordered his parents to control their son. “Like a thief he sneaks into the main house to waste time with his foolishness. He forgets who I am and my position.”

“Although irrepressible, Shigure is always mindful of Master Akito, much to our dismay.” His mother’s manner made Akito uncomfortable since her expression held nothing but sympathy and respect. The father remained silent. “Like his Zodiac nature Shigure sees a fence and digs under it. Once outside he seeks only to return.”

“Your punishment is over. Reclaim your original house. Once Shigure learns to show proper respect he may come inside.”

________________________________________

He brought a paper flower, made himself particularly for Akito – so he said.

“Do you remember?” Akito asked. _The real flower, you admired me, I loved you. I still love you_.

“Remember what?” Shigure asked distantly.

Akito’s heart fell from her chest to disappear between the floorboards. “I have to prepare for tonight’s outside function. Why do you pick such inconvenient times to bother me then give gifts only fit for girls? Save it for your wife at home.” Akito held the origami flower on an extended palm so he would take it back. He didn’t.

“I only joke about that to tease Tohru and annoy Kyo.”

“A joke wife is all you deserve. I am master of Sohma House not some high-school girl to be flirted with. We are no longer children Shigure. If you cannot follow protocol you will be banished from all Sohma property.” Akito began to close her fingers over the flower to crush it. Shigure stopped her by cupping her hand in both of his.

“I tend to forget you’re no longer the innocent, bewildered child who enjoyed my company. Thank you for constantly reminding me. Keep this, please, as a reminder that we were once friends and playmates.”

Why did he always say such cruel things? They seemed nice, even affectionate, but his words and gifts were poisonous.

“You’re equally guilty in your treatment of him,” Kureno said as they were driven to the outside restaurant.

Akito bore this truth less comfortably than the man’s suit she'd borrowed for the evening. The crumpled flower was wedged into a pocket. “I never know what to do when it comes to Shigure,” Akito admitted wearily and leaned against Kureno. He neither pushed her away nor put an arm around her. They’d had no sexual contact for a while now. This weaker bond was also breaking. Akito didn’t care.

He was at the restaurant, Shigure, and ignored Akito in favour of an outside woman with fairer, even shorter hair than Akito’s. So it wasn’t only long-haired brunette whores like Isuzu and Ren… Akito found it difficult to concentrate on greeting the Dog’s parents, who were actually part of this assembly. How could such polite and generous people produce such an evil son?

“Ah,” his mother said without turning to see who Akito stared at. “He says they’re here for business. Should I call him over?”

Shigure looked over his shoulder at Akito—was he smugly amused by her ill-fitting male apparel or something else—and continued on his way. “Never mind,” Akito told his mother then called Kureno to her side.

The evening wore on. Akito was the youngest person at this gathering of Sohma Elders while being the most senior. Bitterness rose. These people conspired with Ren to shape Akito’s existence into a lie. ‘He’ stood to leave. Shigure’s father sought the honour of driving Akito home, his wife also. Akito agreed. Of course the wife visited the rest room before leaving then sat in back with Akito.

“At risk of sounding like Ritsu’s parents, I aim to apologise for my son’s error this evening. We expected him to behave appropriately after your magnanimous decision.”

“He does not see his exile as punishment at all. Sales of his smutty manga supplement any restrictions on his allowance. He must make his own way outside Sohma boundaries once Yuki and Kyo finish high-school. That nitwit Ayame manages to thrive… Punishing the parents serves no purpose, as we have seen. Your home is secure.”

“That isn’t… oh. Thank you Master Akito.”

“Is there something else you wished to discuss?”

“Forgive us, please, especially my husband. We thought our affection for Akira could sway his decision but the only opinion your father heeded …”

Akito interrupted her. “Have you told Shigure this? Is this why he finds it more difficult than the others?”

“He may have heard us arguing with your parents soon after your birth but we never discussed it outright. We hoped Akira would live long enough to see his error and put things right before you matured. We have always been loyal to Akira and will remain loyal to Akito. Shigure as well, he would never betray you to the outside. This is all. It seems insufficient for the length of time it’s taken to say.”

“Guilt weighs heaviest on the kindest heart,” Akito said in way of absolution. Shigure read that passage to her as a child and Akito quoted it to comfort Hatori every time he modified someone’s memory. Akito was blessed with the capacity for compassion and cursed by an abundance of cruelty. Each cancelled the other out until she was nothing, just as her mother said. Only, why did so many others risk Akito’s displeasure to insist otherwise?

“I have only exhausted you further. This was not my intention.”

Akito was struck by a revelation. “Shigure’s fondness for Tohru Honda is based on her resemblance to you.”

“You find me plain and empty-headed?” Shigure's mother sounded amused rather than offended.

“No. There is no room in a body for sense when the heart is too big.” Akito frowned. “This doesn’t explain Ayame.”

“Nothing explains Ayame,” Shigure’s father grumbled from the driver seat. His wife chuckled delicately. Akito admired and envied her.

An attendant waited in the doorway of the main house and whispered that Shigure sought private audience with Akito. Finally he followed proper channels, yet it felt like an insult. His apology for not greeting Akito at the restaurant sounded invalid. Akito knew he’d taken the outside slut to that restaurant on purpose. Publicly shunning Akito was a lesser sin than flaunting his whore.

Akito struck like a viper. “Bedded her yet?”

His rapid replies led her to verbally acknowledge the reason he lived outside. Of all women, why Ren? The haunting question screamed from Akito’s throat, scratching like a demon forced to leave the possessed body.

He answered simply in a moderate voice “because you went to bed with Kureno.”

Jealousy? His cold cruelty toward Akito was based on jealousy? Flattering, except she copied that pattern too well and his hot-cold behaviour began long before that. Conversations with his mother shone a different light on certain memories. _Privately he treats me like a female, publicly speaks about me as male._ Akito brought them together to kiss. Shigure resisted.

“You want me to deny you’re female then use it against me like this?”

Akito kissed him regardless, mouth to mouth for the first time. “Aren’t you forever using my gender against me? Always you torment me.”

His arms folded her into their warm, masculine circle. His eyes stayed on Akito’s as his hands explored her hidden shape. Even once they’d shed their clothing, he looked only at her face. Their union was energetic and assertive, almost aggressive, yet when it came time to slip inside her he was unexpectedly tender. His kisses were her favourite. Everything about his body and touch was wonderful to her. Their war was at an end and she'd provided the very weapon that gave him victory. There remained distance between them, despite the fire, and Akito remained unsure—did Shigure love or merely pity and desire her? Akito could never be with Kureno again, regardless.

He lingered so long that sleep sought Akito as he finally dressed to leave. Of course Shigure must go. Naive wards Tohru and Kyo could be realising their desire in his absence. He tenderly stroked Akito’s palm and her fingertips curled reflexively to catch his.

“How am I supposed to believe you’re a man now?” he murmured. How was Akito?

________________________________________

Momiji became the second to mysteriously leave the Zodiac. The stupid Rabbit believed his horrid mother would love and accept him now. Hatori needn’t feel guilty about erasing that selfish woman’s memories. She’d **begged** to forget. Akito didn’t care enough for Momiji to taunt him about it.

________________________________________

Horse-whore Isuzu attempted to steal the box Akira gave his heir before dying, then had the hide to threaten Akito once she was caught.

“Shigure’s teaching me to break the Zodiac Curse. We will all run far from you. I will take Haru before you seduce him further!”

“Stupid slut, Haru would rather take it from Yuki than fall into bed with me! His divided heart transfers almost all affection to you and you betray him by conspiring with that duplicitous Dog? Dressed like a whore when not arriving in Horse form and therefore naked at Shigure’s house!” Jealousy and fury at this despicable disrespect for Hatsuharu brought Akito to the edge of humanity. Akito pushed Isuzu and watched her tumble from the second floor before dragging her by the hair to the Cat’s house, dressing her in traditional boy’s clothing and hacking off her hair. “See how they treat you now!”

Akito ordered the animal to be fed. One servant dared speak against Akito’s behaviour. “Why shouldn’t my cousin share the joy that is my life?” Akito asked snidely. Master’s will was obeyed without comment until Kureno set the whore free.

“How dare you subvert my authority?” Akito asked with a dead voice. Her spirit had flown and she had no energy to hunt it down.

“You can’t punish the rest of us for the way Shigure treats you.” Kureno’s reply was not as sharp as the slap Akito delivered across his face.

“WHAT OTHER SECRETS DO YOU TELL THOSE WHO SHOULD REMAIN IGNORANT?” Akito shrieked.

“None,” Kureno replied defensively.

Akito feigned apologetic humility then stabbed Kureno in the back with a broad-bladed knife. “Now you are truly free.” This justification didn’t convince Akito and she fled the Sohma compound, blindly running until she found herself far outside and in front of Tohru Honda. How had this girl come to be everywhere? Why was Tohru so foolishly friendly and forgiving? Hadn’t Kyo given her some backbone by now?

Akito refrained from lashing out at Tohru in memory of a much younger child who had been foolishly friendly and forgave every sin against her until a demon grew inside and began to scream. Why did this demon infest Akito and not Tohru? What made Tohru so special that every Zodiac Sohma loved her? Why did she persistently offer Akito friendship instead of derision?

Hopes of redemption crumbled and fell with the cliff beneath Tohru’s feet. No-one would believe Akito had not tried to kill Tohru. That did not stop Akito screaming for help.


	3. Finding the True Path

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The poisonous past taints the present and threatens to jeopardise the Sohma family's future. Akito must decide which traditions to keep, which to shed, and what to do about Shigure. The Dog's riddles aren't easy to decipher but eventually he and Akito discover the truths that will bring them both peace and love.

This slippery path of contrition had been paved by Akito and she must walk it alone.

Vile emotions constantly churned her stomach until dry retching exhausted her neglected body. It took more courage than she believed she’d find to face Kureno. “You ask too much,” he said with his back to Akito.

“I seek to apologise, not beg forgiveness. I won’t approach you again—for any reason.” They parted as strangers. Only then did Akito realise Kureno had been her closest and most loyal friend.

This bout of bold humility led her to talk with Tohru and also Tohru’s friends. They’d been given enough vague clues to draw several accurate conclusions while remaining completely ignorant of the Sohma family curse. Tohru Honda was indeed the honourable maiden Shigure described. The tall, fair-haired friend known as Arisa embraced Akito and cried on her before rushing to Kureno’s side because she loved him. Akito felt no anger or jealousy, only remorse and hope on their behalf. Let Arisa be the balm to wounds Akito inflicted.

Isuzu she could not face, having humiliated her so grievously yet still bearing years of jealousy. None of the Zodiac approached Akito to question or accuse until the day Hiro came to say he was no longer the Sheep. His separation was more wrenching than Momiji’s, far less alarming than Kureno’s. Akito treated him more gently than either Rabbit or Bird. Not because Hiro was second youngest in the Zodiac but because he had ambition, strength and other qualities Akito admired. This compliment tagged to the end of a list of ways he irritated Akito put Hiro off balance and amused Akito.

Perhaps Akito could gather them all together and issue a single apology for the cruelties inflicted on each member of the Zodiac, all but Kureno who had already left. She set Hiro the task of inviting their Zodiac cousins to the main house. “Including the Cat,” Akito insisted.

“That’s it? You’re not going to slap me across the room or throw me through a window?”

“I can if you like,” Akito replied with a slightly evil smile—another habit learned from Shigure.

“No thanks!” Hiro called over his shoulder as he ran from the room.

________________________________________

Pages of meticulous research covered Akito’s floor as she searched for a pattern. There was no link between those who had been released from their Zodiac spirit aside from gender. Kureno had been born fourth, Momiji ninth and Hiro eleventh. Their positions in the calendar were equally random. Akito lay amid the copious notes in defeat. If Akito could gain control of this phenomenon she would choose Kyo to be next. She abruptly sat and began gathering papers into a single pile. The deeper secrets of the bond may elude her but Akito possessed the earthly power needed to end the Cat’s shame. The seclusion house must be torn down. If Kyo questioned Akito she had an answer prepared: “I lost our bet. You defeated Yuki and earned your freedom the moment Tohru chose your heart over his. Live outside the way you choose. You are also welcome inside, Kyo.”

He would not love Akito for it. There was something liberating in that prospect. Often, before his death, Akira would say to his child “you are born to be loved Akito” but she never had been, not truly. Akito begged her father’s spirit for forgiveness. “I am a flawed vessel and the precious souls left to my care are slowly leaking out.”

An image rose in Akito’s mind of a terracotta bowl painted with characters of the Zodiac Banquet. Cat lay as though asleep but Akito knew he was dead. The brightly glazed Cockerel, Rabbit and Sheep were cracked. Beads of water seeped through the broken seams. Akito concentrated on the vision. Carefully, she lifted the bowl to examine the cracks and discovered the liquid inside was not water but tears. Tears the fabled God need never shed. He would never be lonely again now his animal friends shared the promise of eternal friendship. “How did our love become a curse?” Akito asked her vision of him. He greatly resembled Ayame as he looked at Akito with astonished eyes.

“Cat knew this would happen. I misunderstood his warning and punished him. He who was the first guest invited into my heart.” The beautiful man dipped a finger into the bowl of tears then used it to paint a stripe from the corner of Akito’s eye to her chin. “Share my pain. Set them free.”

It hurt far more than any mortal could endure alone and somehow He was there at Akito’s side, the binder of the curse. His words were her words. His agony and remorse mirrored hers. Akito cried the tears He could not and they both felt the others cry with her. Rat was last to be set free since this was the only form of tenderness Yuki and Akito shared. This was how Akito embraced the terrified boy and apologised.

Then she was entirely alone. The connection to the central spirit had also been broken, never to be repaired. But this loneliness would not be eternal. Within the hour Tohru and Kyo ran through the main house and Tohru held Akito like Akira would but Ren never had. Akito clung to Tohru, thankful for this friendship but still wishing such comfort had been offered by Shigure.

Kyo’s awkward smile of sympathetic thanks as he led away his overly emotional soufflé of a girlfriend reminded Akito she had a human soul of her own. It wasn’t Akito’s time to smile, though. Something else needed fixing first.

________________________________________

He’d gotten in again. Akito was too anxious to find the inevitability amusing. Shigure began with his usual patronising compliments: You’ve made a good start, how are you going to make amends, and so forth. Then he delivered the biggest insult. “A present to commemorate the separation,” he said while handing Akito a blank shopping bag with handles.

Akito had maintained a calm if miserable air these past few days. That shattered. The gift was ignored. If he intended to disappear then she intended to forget him. “I HATE YOU! I knew you’d be the one to throw me away!”

His voice was calm and tender but somehow similar to the way he spoke before leaving that night. “Who said anything about throwing you away?” Then he explained. Darn his writer’s soul and Akito’s inability to understand his riddles until he spelled them out. She accepted the gift meant to mark her new life, free of the burden of the Zodiac curse, but did not open it. “You have many choices, Akito. If you seek me out then I will know.” Then he left.

So abrupt! Couldn’t he talk in a straight line? Why was he always doing this?

_Keep this, please, as a reminder that we were once friends_

For the past three years, the Zodiac members had pinned all their hopes in Tohru. All her life Akito had pinned hers on Shigure. Dreadful Dog! No longer a dog… What decisions did he believe Akito faced? Which decisions did he hope she’d make?

_“Stop treating Akito like a girl” … “I can’t”_

_“You have to keep away from Shigure”_ … Impossible. That’s what Akito told her memories, what she should have told Hatori that day instead of yelling at Shigure. Was it possible that Shigure found it impossible to keep away from Akito for the same reason?

She opened his gift to find a furisode, the kind of feminine kimono Ritsu had been ridiculed for wearing. The fabric was incredibly soft. No wonder Ritsu preferred wearing these to trousers or hakama and uwagi. Akito wept because she wasn’t sure how to wear such a lovely gift. When was obvious, and that meant she couldn’t seek Ritsu’s help. It would be nice to finally say to him “See? I’ve also been forced to wear masculine clothing. Despite angry words that sometimes burst from my mouth, you’ve never been alone. Every silence has been filled with sympathy.” She wept some more because this gift said the same thing. Pity and compassion did not equal love.

Beneath the dark furisode was a pale obi which was carefully folded around an otherwise plain and cubic box. Inside this box rested a flower, recently plucked from the garden of Shigure’s parents. Akito knew because this was the same type of flower he’d placed in her hair twelve years ago. The bush it came from had been planted by Akira the day Shigure was born. In this way the arrival of each Zodiac child was honoured. Akito had been too young to understand the significance of Shigure’s gift. She had been too angry and jealous to properly see the origami flower—he had not manipulated her into bed as she feared. He quietly accepted banishment because he could not accept Akito as male. Hope rose and spread like scented smoke.

________________________________________

 **Her** two favourite attendants helped **her** dress in the furisode. They did not ask where the garment came from although one woman smiled while attaching the flower to Akito’s carefully arranged hair.

“How many?” Akito asked the woman who returned as Akito’s lips were being painted. The subtle colour had to be removed and reapplied but the attendant neither scolded nor complained.

“Twelve as I left them,” the returning attendant replied while making one final adjustment to Akito’s obi.

Kureno was definitely one of the missing two. “Kyo, Yuki?” Akito asked without moving her lips which earned a smile of approval from the woman applying colour.

“Both present.”

Akito left it at that.

“Are you ready Mistress Akito?” asked the attendant in front of Akito.

“No,” Akito admitted and took some practice steps across the room. “How do you walk as a woman?”

“Without thinking,” replied one.

“Your shape will guide you,” insisted the other.

“The kind of riddle Shigure offers for advice,” Akito muttered and felt her gait change at the thought of him.

“There! You have it!” Both attendants rejoiced with vibrant smiles. “I will announce you,” said the most valued.

Hatori waited in the doorway from Akito’s private quarters rather than in the central room with the others. He didn’t smile or show surprise. Neither did he show disapproval. His opinion didn’t matter on this occasion.

“Shigure?” Akito asked.

“Don’t know,” Hatori admitted drily.

Akito’s anxiety increased but she was determined to keep it hidden. Shigure did not care to see what choice she’d made or offer support. Once more Akito had misunderstood his intentions and placed too much faith in him. The flower was not a mark of affection but a declaration along the lines of ‘I know something you don’t know’ so his cousins would feel ignorant in comparison. Removing it now Hatori had seen it would mean further victory for Shigure. How long had they been at war? Why? Would Akito ever understand anyone’s motives, including her own? There was no time for introspection as her foot crossed the threshold into the central room of the main house. Without fuss Akito introduced her cousins to her natural form. Ayame, like his friends, already knew the truth. His cool green eyes appraised the furisode before he gave a nod of professional approval and looked away. Akito knew him well enough to recognise disinterest, and Aya had not dismissed her entirely. Most of his attention had turned to Yuki and his younger brother’s reaction. Like the majority, Yuki only stared. Ritsu’s reaction was hilarious.

“Akito shares my hobby?! Forgive my bad influence!”

Akito was too terrified to laugh or smile at Ritsu’s apologetic flailing. “This is different,” she assured him plainly and knelt before those she’d been destined to lead. “I too have an original form.” The abundance of surprise was reassuring. The lack of disgust and ridicule confused Akito. If someone spat, insulted Akito or walked away—she knew how to react to something like that. Everyone waited in silence. Their scrutiny made it difficult to be more than politely brief. “Despite recent changes I remain head of the main house. There is much to be done and I promise to fulfil my duties.” Akito lifted her eyes from the floor and looked each member of the zodiac in the face. “It was not my decision to mislead you.” This statement referred to the lie they’d been forced to live under as well the mistakes she made. “I will do my best to bring honour to the House of Sohma and not disgrace.”

Questions ripened in their minds but Akito stood before they bore fruit. Hatori put a brotherly hand on her shoulder. Akito covered it with one of hers instead of shrugging it off.

“There’s something I must attend to before courage fails me. Let them know their questions will be answered to the best of my knowledge.” Akito did not wait for Hatori’s reply. She had her own questions that refused to wait any longer.

_If you seek me…_

Aya’s voice carried in the silence. “I should have guessed who it was for. That’s why he stayed away, isn’t it Tori? It would hurt too much if she hadn’t worn it.”

“Don’t you know when to shut up?” demanded Kyo. “Who are you talking about, anyway?”

“Don’t concern yourself with grown up talk, kitten Kyo.”

“Stop calling me kitten Kyo!”

One weight slid from Akito’s back and she found it easier to run. The bonds between the cousins remained unbroken. Hope was such a tenuous yet enduring emotion, easily damaged but far more difficult to destroy.

_…seek me out..._

Thank goodness Akito had the sense to restore the family to their original house. Already she was puffed and no doubt flustered and unattractive. If she’d had to cross the entire compound…

“Forgive my intrusion. Is Shigure in?” How Akito kept her breathing steady enough to ask so calmly, she’d never know. His parents looked up at once. Neither showed surprise although the mother could not hold Akito’s eyes.

“He called in on his way home earlier. We could drive you…” His father had already begun to stand.

“That isn’t necessary. The afternoon is quite young.”

“An unmarried woman should not travel such a distance unescorted.” His mother reminded Akito gently of the new restrictions associated with her liberation. There was no such thing as true freedom it seemed.

“Very well,” Akito replied because she couldn’t really say otherwise. “I thank you.”

The journey was made in silence although Shigure’s mother reached across the backseat to touch Akito’s hand as his father opened the door to let Akito out. “The circle closes and begins again.” Did Akito actually hear those words or were they left from her final communion with the spirit man from the zodiac banquet?

She felt lost before the car drove away and became more disoriented with each step. What if Shigure did not want to be her guiding light now Akito was an adult woman? How should she approach **him** let alone the subject at hand?

The visitors’ door was ajar. One pair of shoes sat on the rack—his. Akito placed hers beside his but not too closely in case such a gesture could be misread. Quietly, not sure how her presence would be received, Akito travelled through to the main room and stopped. He sat on the back porch with the large screen open behind him and his back to her as he read a book in afternoon sunlight. Always a book, writing if not reading! He was older and taller, this was a different house and those flowers did not grow in this garden, but Akito felt the same wonder as she had twelve years ago. He remained the most handsome, independent and fascinating. The urge to possess him bodily and make him part of her became overwhelming. Is this what it meant to be a woman? Is this why their elders kept Akito and Shigure at odds until they learned to do so themselves? He did not turn to acknowledge Akito as he had on that day. Perhaps he sought the opportunity to reject her as a woman, not merely ‘Akito’. Perhaps Akito would die of loving him.

_We used to be friends Akito. I miss that._

Akito did too and so confided as though they had remained friends. “It was difficult.” They spoke blandly until Shigure asked if Akito wanted him to be part of this other life. He made it sound like an accusation and Akito almost lied before admitting the truth. “Yes. Are you angry?”

“Yes and yet since that day I’ve waited for you to come in search of me again.”

They relived their memories of that moment together and then Akito touched Shigure’s hands. “I love…” His hands subtly turned to catch her fingers; making this simple gesture far more intimate than anything they’d done the night they had sex. “I love you,” they said together. Rather than waiting or forcing Shigure to kiss her, Akito leaned forward to touch his lips with her mouth. He carefully brought her onto his lap. Her skirts created difficulties since the furisode draped in a different manner to a masculine kimono. “I must seek Ritsu’s advice on how to sit like a lady.”

Shigure laughed and smiled at Akito with unrestrained affection, as he used to do when he was princely hero to her lonely, bewildered child. But now there burned something else, an emotion she had mistaken for angry superiority when they were younger.

“I’ll kiss that smile off your face,” she threatened lustfully.

“You’ll try,” he retorted and leaned back so Akito had to rest directly on his lap to reach.

“Success,” Akito declared between kissing and being kissed.

“I’d undress you and claim you here, except our children would no doubt arrive home to spoil our victory.”

“You’re more like a perverted uncle than a father figure,” Akito teased.

Shigure became serious as his arms circled Akito’s waist. “Recently you have been mother to Kyo. I hope this is how you will lead all the family, with sensible love and maturity.”

“It’s difficult alone. Will you stay by my side, where you belong?” Akito asked directly.

“Since you express it in such a poetic manner and with enticingly heaving bosoms, I feel I must. Despite years of hoping I never truly expected this exile to end so pleasantly.”

Akito stood and helped Shigure to his feet. “Since we’re beginning anew, it’s best to only mention past mistakes if we’re in danger of making them again.”

“Is this said as head of the main house?” Shigure asked to test Akito.

“As a woman in love,” she boldly admitted.

Shigure framed her face with a tender touch and kissed her just as gently before leading Akito to his room. “As a man in love, and since this is the last night I’ll spend in this house, I invite you to stay. This poor neglected bed has known no love since I moved in and deserves a fitting farewell.”

“Your nonsense makes me nervous.” His proximity and masculinity made her aroused.

“So long I’ve waited for you to realise why your presence is so agonising and vital to me but I’m not going any further until you say you’ll stay.”

“I’ll stay.”

Shigure explored Akito’s female design with his eyes as well as his hands this time as they undressed each other. “Shall I show you the difference between men and women, Akito?” he asked seductively before removing the final layer of modesty. The difference stood tall and proud, as did Shigure. Akito reached for him and together they learned the difference between having sex and making love.

 

{end}


End file.
